Guns Don't Kill People, Chuck Norris Does.

Ok, stop me if you've heard this one...

...I just received a forwarded email that I actually hadn't received before, and it was HILARIOUS. In fact, it inflicted upon me one of the best laughs I've had in a long time.

It is rare that I get one of these type of emails that I either haven't gotten several dozen times before, or are more than mildly humorous. For these reasons, I share this with you now.



Here are some of facts about Chuck Norris that you might not have known:

• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. But he is so badass, he has never cried. Ever.
• Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
• Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
• In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
• Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “Booya.”
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
• One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.